In my experience, there are two types of people who shut down. Sam is the first type: If he and his partner get into an argument, it often doesn’t go very far before Sam goes offline—stops listening, stops talking, and is clearly tuned out. But if the argument stops and he is given time to recover—minutes, hours, maybe the next day—he can re-engage.
But Allie is the second type: When she gets annoyed by something her partner Jake does, she doesn’t snap or start an argument. Instead, she pulls away, and a wall goes up that Jake can sense. If he asks what’s wrong, Allie is likely to deny that anything is wrong. If Jake presses harder and asks more questions, things get worse, with Allie pulling away even more. Sometimes, several days later, Allie will come around and talk about what she’s upset about. But sometimes, the silent treatment just seems to fade on its own, and the problem is swept under the rug.
Shutting down is not the real problem; rather, it is Sam and Allie’s solution to an underlying emotional issue. For Sam, it’s about feeling overwhelmed in the heat of the argument, but what’s going on with Allie when there is no argument? Here are three common causes:
Allie is conflict-avoidant
While Allie is irritated with Jake, she becomes anxious about any conflict or strong emotions. Rather than saying something to Jake, she internalizes and holds her feelings, her way of avoiding stirring up in Jake the reaction she fears. His anxiety and questions only fuel her fears even more.
Allie is self-critical
While Allie is annoyed by Jake, her default response is to blame herself—either for somehow causing his behavior or scolding herself for being annoyed at all. Because it’s all about her in her mind, she denies being upset with him.
Allie needs time to process how she is feeling
This is where she is like Sam—she’s rattled and needs time to settle and sort herself out. But unlike Sam, her recovery time is much longer. Whatever the underlying cause, what they all have in common is her pulling away, which, in turn, creates anxiety in Jake, adding to the tension between them.
What to do instead? Here are some suggestions for breaking the deadlock:
Broadcast your emotions
This is about proactively letting others know your emotional state—that you’re feeling grumpy, tired, or overwhelmed, among others. And then telling them what you need—leave me alone for a half hour, make dinner, or put the kids in bed. This is being emotionally responsible, and letting others know what’s going on with you helps put your behavior in a realistic context. It’s a preventive tool that, with practice, you can build into your daily routines.
Make statements rather than asking questions
Jake’s peppering Allie with questions makes things worse; questions instinctively put people on edge. Instead, make statements. Jake can say: “It seems like you’ve been quiet the last few days; I’m wondering if anything is wrong.” Or, “I sense something is bothering you; I’m happy to talk about it when you are ready.”
Provide a timeframe
This is Allie’s side of the relationship dynamic. To help relieve Jake’s anxiety, reduce his impulse to hound her, and give Allie more control, she can go on offense rather than playing defense: “I know you’re feeling anxious; I need a bit more time to sort out how I’m feeling; let’s talk sometime on Saturday.”
Work on the underlying problems.
Effective problem-solving in relationships often requires shedding old childhood coping styles. For Allie, this means working on her self-criticism or fear of confrontation and replacing them with self-acceptance and assertiveness, while for you, it may be something else that triggers you or makes you feel like a child rather than an adult.
Upgrading your skills upgrades the quality of your life and relationships.