There is pain in all relationships. It might be a tiny amount of pain that manifests in small disagreements, it might be a large amount of pain that manifests in blow-out fights, and of course there is everything in between. Couples who seek therapy for help dealing with the conflict in their relationships, both in couples therapy and individual therapy, are constantly assessing the level of pain they are experiencing. This can be visualized as a Scale of Relationship Pain, measuring the pain of being in the relationship versus the pain of not.

Breakups are painful. Our first breakup as a young person might feel like the end of the world, even though the adults around us might point out that we’re young and we ain’t seen nothing yet. Often as we grow up, the relationships we find ourselves in get more involved and committed, until we find ourselves in the ultimate relationship commitment: marriage. And to further deepen our commitment to this relationship, we might also have children. In addition, we often intertwine our financial lives, pooling our resources, buying a house together, saving for retirement, and doing other things that cement the seriousness of our relationship. We become legally, emotionally, and financially intertwined in a way that would make it very difficult to disentangle.

However difficult it might be, some couples find themselves in a situation where they begin to consider this disentangling. And this is often when the pain level of being in the relationship begins to rise in a way that approaches the pain of breaking up. This can be a long, slow process that takes time to develop. It is often marked with various attempts to mitigate this pain, which can range from heart-to-heart talks between the partners, processing the state of the relationship by talking with friends and family, special weekend trips together or separate trips apart from each other, and my favorite, couples therapy. In couples therapy, we work to identify the sources of this relationship pain and attempt to relieve it by changing the relationship and individual dynamics that cause it.

But sometimes this doesn’t work, and the pain level of being in the relationship rises. We might feel a twinge of it early in our relationship, but at that point the relationship pain is minuscule compared to the pain of a breakup. Over time this can change, however. As the pain of being in the relationship grows, and the attempts to change the dynamics causing this pain fail, we might start to look at the possibility of a breakup and consider that it doesn’t look so bad now. Of course, it’s not so much that a breakup might not be so bad, but rather that the pain level of staying in the relationship is rising to the point where breaking up might be considered less painful than staying in the relationship.

It is when the pain levels of staying in the relationship versus ending the relationship start to approach being equal that it is the hardest. This is when the most intense work with couples in therapy, and individuals in therapy to process their relationships, takes place. Clients often verbalize that their current relationship is so painful that a part of them doesn’t want to be in it anymore, but another, almost equal part of them is holding them back from actually going through with the breakup.

This is a frustrating time, but also an extremely important time. It’s when all the work we’ve put into trying to make the relationship work is assessed, and when we check in with ourselves to make sure we’ve tried everything we can to save the relationship. When all this is done, it can feel like, if we’re still unhappy, we have failed; but what we’ve actually done is lay the important groundwork necessary to make the right decision, which sometimes is to end the relationship.

I have experienced this cycle with many clients, and while each relationship is different, a common dynamic emerges. Clients often feel confused, stuck, and torn between two painful options. Their relationships have deteriorated to the point where, even though their lives are legally, emotionally, and financially intertwined, the pain level is so high that it is almost equal to the pain of unwinding this intertwinement. Sessions in this time frame are spent assessing past attempts at reconciliation, wondering if there is any more that can be done, and considering what a breakup would look like and how it might actually play out. The struggle is in accepting that a breakup might actually be the less painful option, but also understanding that it doesn’t feel that way just yet.

And then eventually, it does. After experiencing this cycle of considering the Scale of Relationship Pain and processing how the pain of staying in the relationship is starting to get very close to the pain of breaking up, sometimes a client will come into session with a clearheaded approach — almost a renewed, resigned, or reassessed view of their relationship. This is usually the time when the pain of staying in the relationship has finally overtaken the pain of breaking up. All options for saving the relationship have been exhausted, and the pain of continuing in the relationship is such that the pain of breaking up now seems like the better option. This sense of clarity can be freeing for clients who have struggled with this decision but now seem to accept it. That’s when I hear statements from clients like “I can’t do this anymore,” or “I know we’ve done all we can,” and “I think I want to get a divorce.” The scale has reached an imbalance that makes a decision easier than when things were more evenly weighed.