Family is supposed to be an environment where children receive the love, guidance, encouragement and support they need in order to mature into healthy adults. Unfortunately, in some families, not only are children deprived of the support and encouragement they need, but they are constantly bombarded with experiences of conflict, criticism, competition and chaos. These are what I call emotionally abusive families. The tension and hostility that exist in such families cause children to feel insecure, frightened, and off-balance.

In many households, emotionally abusive behavior ends up saturating the family environment until it seems normal. Behavior such as constant putdowns (often in front of others), unreasonable expectations, dismissing or mocking one another’s opinions, and character assassinations go on constantly. While not every emotionally abusive family looks the same, in this post, I will describe many of the common features.

Emotionally abusive families can have the following features:

• Denial. Parents who are being emotionally mistreated by their partner deny they are being abused. They make up excuses for their partner’s behavior: “He’s going through a rough time at work right now.” “That’s the alcohol talking, that’s not how he really feels.” Abusive spouses deny they are mistreating their partner: “I don’t criticize you all the time, you’re just too sensitive.” Parents deny they are being abusive toward their children. “Oh, stop crying. I didn’t mean it the way you heard it.” “I’m having a bad day, just stay away from me.” And parents deny they are damaging their children, either when they abuse them or when they neglect them. “Don’t make such a big deal out of this. I didn’t hurt you that much.” “I’m sorry that I’m so tired all the time. But you’re a big girl, you can take care of yourself.” Children in these families also deny there is abuse going on—whether it is toward a parent, a sibling or toward themselves. “My parents argue but I wouldn’t call it abuse.”
• There is often a sense of competition with each sibling vying for the attention and approval of their parents. Sibling bullying is rampant, often progressing into sibling abuse. The most typical scenario is that an older sibling who either witnesses abuse between their parents or experiences abuse firsthand takes their anger and feelings of frustration and helplessness out on their younger or weaker siblings. They may criticize their younger sibling relentlessly, bully or make fun of them, or they may become physically or even sexually violent toward them.
• Parents, as well as other family members, regularly gaslight the children, telling them that what they see, hear and feel is not real. This makes it extremely difficult for children to trust their own perceptions and sense of reality.
• Children suffer from a painful sense of aloneness and isolation. Instead of offering a sense of connectedness, in an emotionally abusive family, each person typically has to fend for themselves. There is usually no one to look to for support, no one to trust.
• There is often a code of silence with no one talking about the abuse that is going on, especially to those outside the family. If one family member does speak up, that person is often viewed as the enemy for betraying the family and exposing the family secrets.

In an emotionally abusive family, everyone is affected. And everyone generally reacts to and participates in the family dysfunction in some way. Every family member is either being abused directly, being a witness to abuse, denying or pretending the abuse isn’t occurring, or passing the abuse along to a weaker or younger person in the family. Here are some of the ways family members react to the abuse:

• They turn a blind eye. It can become so painful for loved ones to witness one parent abusing another, or a parent abusing a sibling that they try to block it out of their mind.
• They become “silent partners.” This most often occurs when a parent stands by while one or more children are being abused by the other parent.
• They minimize and normalize what is happening. Family members are good at telling themselves that what is happening is normal or is “no big deal.”
• Blame-shifting. Blaming someone else for their poor behavior or for their problems is very common. In fact, this, combined with never taking responsibility for their mistakes, faults or shortcomings characterizes emotionally abusive behavior.
• They blame the victim. This is a particularly common phenomenon. It occurs because it is very difficult for family members to process the reality of abuse. Instead, it is easier to convince themselves that the victim must have done something to bring on the abuse.
• Scapegoating. Parents will often single out one child that they identify as the “problem child,” bullying them, making them feel like they don’t belong, even blaming them for all the family problems. Other children in the family will follow their parents’ lead and treat the scapegoat in the same way.
• They take sides and often follow in the abuser’s footsteps. It is extremely common for witnesses to take the side of and identify with one parent over the other. This may be because they feel closer to either the victim or the abuser or because they are afraid of the abuser.
• Neglect. Emotional abuse and neglect go hand in hand. An emotionally abused mother may become so worn down by her partner’s abuse that she is too tired or depressed to tend to her children. She may sleep most of the time, or, as a way of coping, she may begin to drink too much or take drugs.

If you recognize your family in the behaviors above, the first step to healing is to admit this to yourself, whether you are an adult child of such a family or you are a parent caught up in an abusive dynamic. In the coming months, I will take a deep dive into the phenomenon of emotionally abusive families based on my new book, Adult Children of Emotionally Abusive Families.