No one enters marriage expecting it to fail. You enter with hope, commitment, and the faith that love will see you through the hard times. But when things fall apart, it’s generally not because partners didn’t care. Often it’s because they felt disconnected, hurt, or unsure how to find their way back to each other.

The good news is that decades of research show that many of the pathways to divorce are avoidable, and it’s about repair.

1. Talk About Problems Before They Cause Distance

Marriages usually fall apart slowly, often beginning years before divorce is even considered. Emotional disengagement and avoidance of issues erode relationships more than the overt conflicts that may come later.

From the start, bring up early, respectful conversations, naming concerns while they are still manageable. Speak from your personal experience, rather than criticism or blame. And let your partner know what matters emotionally. When you feel heard and understood, your relationship will be more stable, even if there are still disagreements.

What if you’ve been married for a while? It’s not too late to start these conversations. This is the doorway to repairing your relationship.

2. Stay Emotionally Interested in Your Partner

One of the strongest protections against divorce is emotional responsiveness. Turning toward each other’s emotional “bids” for attention and connection are protective factors. In strong relationships, partners ask how their mate is really doing. They are consistently curious about knowing each other deeply. When you feel emotionally “known,” you feel safe, and safety ensures the strength of your marriage.

3. Learn to Fight Right

Arguments or conflicts don’t cause divorce. What matters is how you argue.

John Gottman’s longitudinal research identified four interaction patterns that strongly predict divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—especially contempt (Gottman, 1994). His research showed that couples who learn to avoid sarcasm, eye-rolling, and character attacks avoid damaging the relationship. Strong couples agree to take breaks when emotions escalate and repair quickly after conflict with apologies, reassurance, or affection. Not all disagreements can be resolved, and compromises are essential, but the attempt to repair preserves trust in the marriage.

4. Use the “We” Word

Strong marriages protect a sense of “us,” particularly during stress. Couples in resilient marriages learn to frame challenges as “our problem” rather than “your problem.” Imagine that there are three parties in every discussion: there’s you, me, and the relationship. So you and your partner will make decisions with the relationship in mind, and preserve shared rituals or routines that support the relationship. Marriages are not always balanced, and the balance may shift over time, but they thrive on mutual loyalty and loyalty to the relationship.

5. Accept That Love Evolves Over Time

Many couples believe the early intense passion and romance will last forever. A couple will say they “fell out of love,” when this is actually a developmental transition, not a failure. The reality is that the early romantic intensity fades, passion fluctuates as routines set in, and commitment and companionship become more central over time. Love that lasts is built on mutual respect, shared values and history, and commitment through emotionally sensitive times.

6. Bring up the Hard Topics

In my work with couples, avoidance of the discussions about finances, expectations, and sex was a common predictor of divorce. Avoiding tough conversations does not prevent conflict—it predicts it because the issues remain unaddressed. In long-term, strong marriages, partners discuss money openly and respectfully. They talk honestly about changes in intimacy without shame or blame. They get clear about expectations around roles, boundaries, parenting, and caregiving. Clarity and honesty reduce resentment and increase connection.

7. Don’t Wait Until Your Marriage Is in Crisis

Couples therapy is most effective when partners are still emotionally engaged. Early intervention can give you the tools you need to strengthen the foundation of your marriage and avoid divorce. Too often couples seek therapy too late to repair the marriage, because the damage has been done. Therapy works best when it’s not a last resort. If both partners are willing to learn new skills, therapy can help, but when one or both have begun to withdraw emotionally, therapy may not be able to rekindle the marriage. Think of therapy as an investment in the relationship, not a failure. (And if divorce is already on the table, therapy can support a healthy divorce for the entire family.)

8. Self-Care Within the Marriage Matters

No marriage can thrive when one or both partners are emotionally depleted. You and your partner both need to manage stress and maintain your health. You both need to focus on maintaining your friendships, both individually and as a couple. Remember that one partner cannot meet all of your emotional needs. Support each other’s strengths and sense of purpose, whether it is career, parenting, or other activities. Strong individuals create stronger marriages.

The Hopeful Take-Away

Marriage doesn’t require perfection, but it does require awareness, repair, commitment, and skills. When partners feel unseen, unheard, or emotionally unsafe, the relationship can fail. By facing the issues directly, you can rebuild connection, deepen the relationship, and foster safety, openness, and trust.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D., 2026.

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