Most of us have probably behaved selfishly at some point in our lives. We have made a conversation about ourselves when someone else needed support. We have struggled to empathize with someone because we were too caught up in our own hurt. We have become defensive when confronted with something we did wrong. Maybe we have even tried a little too hard to explain why something wasn’t really our fault.

Does that make us narcissists? Probably not.

One of the problems with the way we talk about narcissism today is that the term has become shorthand for almost any behavior we don’t like. An ex who cheated is a narcissist. Someone who talks about themselves too much is a narcissist. A difficult parent is a narcissist. Someone who refuses to apologize? Definitely a narcissist.

Spend enough time on social media, and it can start to seem as though everyone has narcissistic personality disorder. But narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder are not the same thing.

Narcissistic Traits Exist on a Spectrum

Most of us can and probably will exhibit a lack of empathy or even some narcissistic traits at one or more points in our lives. Human beings are imperfect. We can be selfish, defensive, insensitive, jealous, attention-seeking, or lacking in empathy at times without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder. The difference between a rare trait and actual narcissism is a consistent lack of empathy or understanding of how one’s actions affect others. Most people can look back after the heat of an argument has subsided and see how they might have been hurtful, but people without empathy are incapable of considering remorse.

“Am I narcissistic?” you might ask yourself. If you find yourself asking this question about your relationship, you are likely exhibiting normal self-reflection. This is not to say that you are immune to occasionally narcissistic actions. We are all capable of such actions at some point in our life. The difference is that if we can recognize it, take ownership, and consciously do better, we have less risk of doing further harm.

As a psychotherapist, I try to find the “why” of certain behaviors and their intentions for the relationship. I encourage people to look at patterns. When you recognize that you have hurt someone, what happens next? Are you able to acknowledge it without immediately explaining why it was really their fault? Can you tolerate hearing how your behavior affected another person? Can you apologize? And, perhaps most importantly, can you change your behavior?

Using Labels Loosely Can Cause Harm

Using medical terminology, no matter how colloquialized, has the impact of pathologizing. Just as all differing opinions are not gaslighting, not all people with a lack of empathy can be classified as having a full personality disorder. Even still, not all people with narcissistic personality disorder are cruel or malicious.

These days, it seems that everyone with an honorary degree in armchair psychology from the University of Google feels qualified to diagnose others as narcissists. Still, in reality, few of these casual claims of NPD are legitimate. Being a narcissist is more than just being self-centered.

As with all mental health diagnoses, ambiguity about the term has allowed social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok to become opportunities to go viral with unqualified diagnoses. As a therapist, I am happy that society is having conversations about mental health and that many of my patients have found terms and explanations for their experiences. At the same time, their frequent overuse and watering down can make them feel less powerful.

So, Are We All a Little Bit Narcissistic?

Most of us will behave selfishly sometimes. Most of us will become defensive. We will have moments when empathy is difficult because we are overwhelmed by our own emotions. And most of us will eventually hurt someone we care about, even when we never intended to.

The important distinction is what happens when we’re confronted with the impact of our behavior. Can we listen? Can we reflect? Can we take responsibility? And can we actually change what we do next time? If so, this is likely part of being human. If not, then maybe it is a sign of something deeper.

Excerpted, in part, from my book Invisible Bruises: How a Better Understanding of the Patterns of Domestic Violence Can Help Survivors Navigate the Legal System.