We hear a lot these days about struggling adult children and the heartbreak parents experience when communication is cut off. Yet far less attention is paid to a reality I see almost every day in my parent coaching practice: Parents who remain deeply involved in their adult children’s lives but feel trapped by ongoing crisis, dependence, and demands for help.
In my forthcoming book, You Ruined My Life—Now You Owe Me!, I explore a huge dilemma that countless parents face today. Their adult child may be struggling with resentment, depression, anxiety, employment, finances, motivation, or independence. In these cases, their child has not “just walked away” but has not yet stepped into adulthood.
The Staunchly Embedded Belief of Being Wronged by Their Parents
One of the biggest misconceptions about struggling adult children is that they all fit the same profile. That is not the case. Some may struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, addiction, or chronic overthinking and indecision. Yet I have worked with parents of struggling adult children who hold impressive jobs, such as doctors, architects, engineers, or project managers—who appear successful to the outside world. What they tend to share is a lingering conviction that they have been wronged and that their parents bear responsibility for the emotional struggles they face.
The parents I work with are in pain because they are in a truly impossible bind. Most admit they were not perfect and made mistakes. Most are also reflective and value working through conflicts and healing their relationships with their adult children.
At the same time, they worry that helping too much will enable dependence—and they worry that helping too little will feel like abandonment. Meanwhile, they often receive a message that may be spoken directly, hinted at, or said through the language of fluent sarcasm. It often goes something like: “My life is not where it should be, and somehow it is your fault.”
What Exhausts Parents Is Feeling Their Help Is Not Enough
One parent who sought me out for coaching was “stuck paying out reparations for messing up” their adult child’s life. They sadly struggled with self-blame until they were able to realize that no amount of money was going to buy the love and understanding from their bitter adult child. It turns out the adult child wanted something money could not buy: calm, constructive, empathetic conversations to heal. Of course, the adult child first had to work through their anger-related thoughts and feelings, to finally talk things through more constructively.
One father told me, “I feel guilty when I don’t help, and I feel guilty when I do.” This statement captures the emotional dilemma so many parents face. A mother I have been coaching has learned to navigate the longstanding pattern of her daughter’s demands to “prove her love.” Financial assistance, help finding jobs (and then the command to back off from supportively asking about jobs), and advice about relationships in response to crisis calls were demanded and expected—but not appreciated.
The Shift From Fixer to Coach
One of the most important shifts parents can make is from fixer to coach. Fixers rush in to solve problems, prevent mistakes, smooth over consequences, and prevent discomfort. Coaches listen, empathize, and encourage, but they resist taking ownership of problems that belong to their adult child.
This shift is not easy; I have worked with many parents to navigate their natural resistances (mostly due to unhealthy guilt) to get there. Many parents fear that stepping back is abandoning their child. In reality, adopting a coaching mindset conveys a powerful message: “I believe you are capable of handling more than you think.” The goal is not to stop caring; it’s to stop carrying.