We live in a culture of blame. Conflict and division occur daily in families, workplaces, and government. Blaming others for unwanted outcomes (blame-shifting) is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for errors or misjudgment. Most individuals are offended by others falsely accusing them. This leads to conflict, undermining of trust, and compromise of the relationship.
Avoidance of consequences drives blame in circumstances involving illegal activities. In most circumstances, intentional commission of illegal acts and then covering them up by blaming others is associated with significant antisocial symptoms. These individuals are generally incapable of feeling shame. But in almost all other situations, blaming others is a way of avoiding feelings of shame. Unwanted outcomes resulting from choices or behaviors make individuals feel stupid, careless, defective, etc. because they have erred. Belief that others will see them in these terms makes them feel shame. Blaming others, or blame shifting, is a way of projecting feelings of shame onto someone else to avoid feeling shame. Following is a typical example.
Liz and Dean were getting ready to attend Liz’s cousin’s wedding. They determined that they needed to leave by 10 a.m. to get to the ceremony on time. At 10 a.m., Dean was ready, but Liz was not ready because she took a phone call at 9:30. They left at 10:45. In the car, Liz pressed Dean to drive faster.
They arrived 30 minutes late and missed the ceremony. When Liz saw her cousin on the receiving line, she said, “I am sorry that we were late, but Dean drives slower than a snail.” Dean was offended by being blamed by Liz for being late when he knew the reason they were late was that Liz took a phone call and was not ready to leave on time. He had the following conversation with her.
Dean: Why did you lie to your cousin about why we were late for the wedding?
Liz: Because I was ashamed that we showed up late and missed the ceremony. I was afraid that she would think I don’t love her or don’t care about her or don’t take the occasion seriously.
Dean: So you blame it on my driving.
Liz: You are a slow driver. If I was driving, we would have made it on time.
Liz felt shame about how she might be judged by her cousin for missing the wedding ceremony. She then attempted to avoid feeling that shame by blame-shifting onto her husband, Dean. This caused conflict with Dean and undermined his ability to trust and respect her. In addition, she put a wedge between her cousin and Dean by making it seem as though Dean was responsible for them missing the ceremony.
In a similar fashion, executives in business blame each other, or the markets, for a weak quarter, and politicians blame each other for policy failures. As with the family, these efforts to shift blame often result in increased conflict and compromise of trust, respect, and closeness. Blame-shifting has become so common in our culture that it is considered normal and to be expected by many. Cumulatively, over time, this can threaten the cohesiveness of our society through erosion of mutual trust, respect, and cooperation. This is a huge price to pay for the avoidance of shame.
Shame Is Projective, Not Interactive
Healthier coping with shame requires an understanding that fear and anticipation of shame are projective, not interactive. For example, Liz’s cousin did not judge her to be unloving, uncaring, or disrespectful. These are Liz’s judgments. This is how she would judge her cousin if the cousin was late for her wedding.
Understanding that her feelings of shame are self-generated offers Liz many coping options that are healthier than blame-shifting onto her husband. Following are a few options.
She can address her concerns (projections) directly with her cousin. She might say something like “Please don’t take my being late for your wedding as a lack of love, caring, and respect. You are very important and dear to me.”
She can examine her projections from an objective perspective. She might find that her judgments based on a single event are overly harsh. She can then forgive herself and perhaps take some actions to demonstrate to her cousin just how important she is to her.
Understanding her feelings and associated projections will enable Liz to cope with her shame by utilizing honest communication rather than dishonest blame-shifting. This will preserve the integrity of her relationship with Dean and her cousin while getting through this difficult error.
Individuals with symptoms of personality disorder are particularly sensitive to feeling shame. This is because the instability of their personality is challenged by the perspectives and opinions of others. If they believe that other people see them as flawed or defective, they experience it as an attack on their self-worth. For this reason, optimal coping with feelings of shame may require stabilization of their personality. Psychotherapy can be very helpful in this endeavor.