Mom: You need to eat at the table.

4 yo: You need to eat at the table.

Mom: I mean it. I will take the pretzels away if you don’t eat them at the table.

4 yo: I mean it. I will take the pretzels away if you don’t eat them at the table.

Mom: You’ll have to take a time-out if you don’t stop copying me.

4 yo: You’ll have to go to time-out if you don’t…say hello! (Giggles maniacally.) Na-na, I don’t have to go to time-out. I didn’t copy you!

This is a transcript from an audio a family shared with me. Their 4-year-old is very provocative. She mimics and consistently tells them she is going to “kill you dead” or put them in jail when they are not giving her something she wants.

No, she’s not a sociopath. She’s a fierce, extremely bright, and clever child who is a heat-seeking missile when it comes to being in charge and asserting power. She thrives on big reactions and has been successful in this pursuit by making very provocative, inflammatory statements.

Most parents who are faced with this kind of unacceptable, disrespectful, not to mention maddening behavior have a strong, knee-jerk reaction, which often involves scolding, schooling, and shaming. They, understandably, desperately want to teach their kids a lesson: that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and has to stop.

The problem is that big reactions tend to reinforce the provocative behavior because provocation is designed to… well… provoke. When the child gets the desired response, successfully yanking their parents’ chain, the behavior is reinforced. Not good for parent or child.

The Antidote

Don’t let your chain be yanked and follow through on the important limit.

This defuses the power of the provocation and teaches your child that this kind of talk is not effective at getting what they want.

Here’s the redo…

Mom: You need to eat the pretzels at the table.

4 yo: You need to eat the pretzels at the table. (As she wanders back into the playroom.)

Mom calmly takes the pretzels away, says, “You can try again in 10 minutes,” and sets a visual timer. No power struggle; no schooling or lecturing that provokes more provocation and defiance.

She lets her daughter flip out. She doesn’t react to any of her vitriol that she’s a mean mommy, she’s starving her, she’s not invited to her birthday party. In 10 minutes, Mom puts pretzels back on the table to give her child another chance. (I find that this often results in the child making a better choice—once they see their parent follow through on the limit.)

That is loving, responsive, “gentle” parenting.

This mom can’t stop her child from mimicking—that’s something she has no control over.

What she can do is respond in a way that doesn’t reinforce this detrimental dance her child is trying to engage her in. It diffuses the power of the unwanted behavior and provides a boundary that teaches her the important lesson. All done with warmth and respect, and without shaming.

Kids are going to do what they are going to do. You don’t control that.

It’s how you respond that has the power to either mitigate or exacerbate the situation.