Do you remember the last time you bought a pair of shoes? Maybe you saw some you liked, tried them on, walked around in them, looked at them in the mirror, and then decided whether to buy them.
Some people might not do all of those things. Other people might do more. Perhaps the size isn’t quite right, so you ask for the next size up or down.
Of course, what you want the shoes for will affect what’s important. If you’re running a half marathon, you will want certain things. But if you’re working on a construction site, different features will matter. And if you want to make a dreamy impression on a romantic first date, other things entirely will be important.
When shoes aren’t right for whatever reason, we do things to correct that. If they’re a bit tight, we get a bigger size. If they’re too loose, we get a smaller size. If they’re the wrong color or style, we look for different ones.
This is all just a long-winded way of saying that when there’s a mismatch between shoes and feet, we change the shoes, not the feet. Salespeople in shoe stores don’t advise customers to get corrective surgery so that the shoes they want to sell will fit. They look for other shoes.
We don’t blame the foot if the shoe doesn’t fit.
But if we think about a shoe as the environment a foot occupies, in other situations, we do the opposite.
Take schools, for example. If students don’t fit the environment of a classroom or school, we often conclude that there’s something wrong with the student. Perhaps at first, changes are made to classes or subjects or schools. Ultimately, though, if the mismatch between student and school continues, it is the student who is blamed.
The blaming takes different forms but usually results in the young person being labeled or diagnosed in some way. The thinking is that the young person is the one with the problem. They are somehow deficient and need to be “fixed.”
The “blaming” is often well-meaning. Many people sincerely want to help when they see young people struggling in different situations. The tendency, though, is almost always to expect the youngster to change, not the environment.
And it doesn’t just happen with young people. I was recently at a meeting of health and other professionals in my town. One of the topics we talked about was how some services were not being used very much. The ideas that were offered to fix this were different ways of engaging people and persuading them to use the services more. No one raised the idea that perhaps these services were not priorities for this community. Again, the focus was on changing the people, not the environment.
It’s also true that some people do want to change things about themselves. Maybe they can’t decide on an important life decision. Do they stay or go? Do they speak up or stay quiet? Counseling and psychotherapy can be extremely useful in helping people explore and resolve inner turmoil and conflict.
But deciding what needs to change can only ever be personally determined. No one can tell someone else what the best solution is for them. Only you know if the shoe fits—other people can’t tell you that. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit regardless of what others might think.
And trying to change yourself in the context of a difficult environment is not likely to be successful for very long. If someone is experiencing workplace bullying and harassment, letting them know about counseling services will not be very helpful. At least not in any ongoing way. In this situation, it is the environment that needs changing. The bullying and harassment must be stopped.
We pay a lot of attention to the way people conduct themselves. We need to pay just as much attention to the environments within which that conduct occurs. Maybe even more attention. Changing people will not create a better fit between people and places.
Comfortable environments are good for all, but comfort is only ever personally defined. My comfort might be your chaos. My neat and tidy might be your constraining.
Environment Essential Reads
But places can be designed with enough options for people to create their own comfort without preventing others from doing the same. When we recognize people as controllers, those kinds of places will be as common as shoe stores (Marken & Carey, 2015).
To make the world a better place for all, we don’t need to walk a mile, or any other distance, in another person’s shoes. Harmony and cohesion will be widespread when we have places where we can all walk wherever we want, for as long as we want, in the way we want.
Where will your walking take you?