When you’re struggling with workplace changes, who do you blame?

The shifting market conditions requiring another pivot? The out-of-touch executives sitting around a boardroom table? The tired team members who no longer seem to care? Or yourself?

Our research, in different countries and at different times, keeps finding that when our confidence in change wobbles, the first person we point the finger of blame at is … ourselves.

We tie ourselves in knots of self-doubt, let our inner critic get way too loud, and become ashamed to ask for help. Then, we work harder, faster, and longer hours, hoping to figure it out. And when that doesn’t work, we start avoiding the changes or complaining about them loudly to others.

“When we’re navigating changes—whether we chose them or not—we often expect perfection of ourselves, but that’s not reality,” explained Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion when we interviewed her recently on a podcast. “We all bump up against our limitations, fall short of our ideals, and make mistakes. That is the human condition. It is how we learn and grow.”

“I’m the Reason This Isn’t Working”

The first thing changes tend to shake is our trust in ourselves. When we’re pushed outside our comfort zone, self-judgment tends to show up fast and point out: if I were better at this, it wouldn’t be this hard.

“When we feel threatened, our nervous system is designed to activate our fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop stress responses,” explained Neff. “And when we turn that fear inward, because we think we’ve made a mistake or we feel overwhelmed, we start fighting ourselves.”

While being self-critical may feel like we’re holding ourselves accountable, researchers have found that negative self-talk shifts our brain into a state of self-punishment that leaves us stuck in a cycle of rumination and procrastination. For example, in studies following hundreds of people chasing all kinds of goals, from losing weight to lifting their performance, the more they criticized themselves, the slower their progress and the less likely they were to reach them.

Instead, dialing down our self-judgment and dialing up our self-kindness to activate our brain’s caregiving and self-awareness systems makes it easier to believe we are capable and worthy. Think of your self-kind voice as a wise and supportive mentor, friend, or family member who’s encouraging you to see things in a clearer and more balanced way as you figure out what’s working well and where you’re struggling with the changes.

Try this for yourself: When you’re struggling with a change, ask: “What are my feelings telling me about this change? What would someone who believes in me and cares for me say to me right now?”

Try this for others: Share examples with others about how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling through change. When you name your limitations and mistakes without the self-flagellation, it shows everyone else it’s safe to be a learner, too.

“I Need More Control”

The second thing changes disrupt is our confidence to learn and adapt. As uncertainty increases, we start to grip harder, trying to control what we can: over-planning, redoing other people’s work, and refusing to let go until it’s right.

“When we’re stressed or uncertain, we can over-identify with our thoughts and emotions and become so fused with the problem we can’t think outside the box,” explained Neff.

When our perspective is lost, we can’t do the one thing change requires: sense, learn, and adapt as it unfolds. Researchers have found that mindfulness, the simple act of noticing what’s happening without being swept away by it, calms the stress response and helps us respond to what’s in front of us rather than react on autopilot.

Try this for yourself: Mindfully create some space between yourself and the problem by naming what’s happening: “I feel uncertain. This is stressful. Some of this is beyond my control.” Then ask yourself: “What is the next best small step I can own?”

Try this for others: Check in regularly as change unfolds and keep asking: What is this change teaching us about our strengths and struggles? How do we want to adapt our approach?

“I Don’t Need Your Help”

The third thing changes erode is our courage to ask for help. As the struggle drags on, we convince ourselves we should be able to handle it alone, so we go quiet, hide how hard it is, and try to press on by ourselves.

“When we feel like we can’t hack it the way everyone else seemingly can, we feel isolated, like there’s something wrong with us,” explained Neff. “Back in the day, being cast out by the group was a threat to our survival, so needing help can still register as something to fear.”

Needing help is simply the shared experience of being wired for imperfection so we can learn, grow, and evolve. And each request, whether answered or not, builds trust with others by saying “I value what you know.” Researchers have found that when we treat our struggle as part of our common humanity, our threat response settles, and asking for help starts to feel like learning together instead of failing alone.

Try this for yourself: Acknowledge what you’re finding difficult. Share why this change matters to you with someone who may be able to help. Then ask clearly and cleanly (no manipulation, passive-aggression, or need to control) for exactly what you need and when.

Try this for others: Make it easier to ask by holding “Help Huddles” where people can share what they are struggling with around the change and name one act of support that would make this easier.

When You Catch Yourself Turning Inward

So next time a change knocks you sideways, and you feel that finger of blame swing back toward yourself, notice it. The exhaustion and overwhelm you’re carrying are worth listening to. It’s often a sign that the way you’re treating yourself has become the hardest part of the change.