Imagine having an argument with your partner. Emotions are high, voices are raised, arms are flailing, and then they hit you. The “hit” isn’t hard enough to leave a bruise or mark. It’s not hard enough to knock you off your feet. In fact, it’s just a slight sting that dissipates in seconds. It’s just hard enough to get your attention.

In that moment, the conversation stops, in large part because you are so shocked. Later, your partner says that it wasn’t really a hit; it was more of a “warning tap.” It was only used to get you to “shut up and listen.”

When physical aggression is disguised as a “warning,” the bigger issue becomes our act of minimizing it.

Any “tap” delivered in anger to control, intimidate, or punish you is not a warning. It’s violence. Just because you call an apple a desk doesn’t mean that the apple automatically stops having the characteristics of an apple. No matter what you call it, an apple is an apple. And no matter what you call it, using physical aggression to intimidate, punish, or control your partner is violence. Calling it a “warning tap” doesn’t change what it is.

Think about how warnings work. When a fire alarm sounds, it’s a warning that the room could fill with smoke soon. When a teenager breaks curfew and they get a warning, the next step is typically a punishment. When a police officer gives you a warning, it means the next time could be a ticket.

Warnings are typically a sign that, if you don’t change course, the situation will escalate or intensify. So, when a partner resorts to a “warning tap,” isn’t the message that the situation will get worse if you don’t stop?

The warning sends a message:

While we cannot automatically know our partner’s intentions, we should question why physical aggression was introduced into the disagreement in the first place. Regardless of the intention, the message is troubling: physical force has now become part of the relationship’s conflict. Research on coercive control suggests that intimate partner violence is not always about the physical act itself. Sometimes, aggression is part of a broader pattern of intimidation, dominance, and control (Myhill, 2015). In these situations, the impact of violence extends beyond physical injury. It can also influence how safe someone feels expressing disagreement or asserting their independence.

The First Hit Matters

Throughout my career as a clinical psychologist, I have encountered women who describe the first incident of physical violence. Frequently, that first incident is followed by tears, apologies, begging, promises, and gifts. Sometimes, it’s even followed by changed behavior…temporarily.

Then come the excuses:

• “He was just angry.”

• “He’s never done anything like that before.”

• “He apologized and promised it would never happen again.”

• “He didn’t really hit me that hard.”

The absence of serious injury or pain does not mean the absence of serious risk. Research on intimate partner violence is clear. A history of violence in a relationship is a risk factor for future violence. Spencer and Stith (2020) examined risk factors associated with intimate partner homicide and found that factors such as previous physical violence, threats, and controlling behaviors were relevant to understanding lethal risk.

This does not mean that every first hit will inevitably lead to a second hit or that every aggressive partner will eventually commit homicide. However, violence in a relationship should not be dismissed just because it hasn’t happened before. In other words, take the first hit seriously.

The Warning Is the Behavior

October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but awareness shouldn’t end when the calendar changes. It means very little if we continue to normalize the early behaviors that may signal danger. Do you need a broken bone, black eye, bruises, or chipped teeth before you acknowledge something is wrong?

When the fire alarm goes off, we don’t wait to see fire before we make a move. We recognize the warning and take it seriously. The same rule applies to violence in your relationship.

They don’t get a free pass because they haven’t done it previously. It still matters even if it didn’t leave a mark. It’s not harmless because we are calling it a “warning tap” instead of what it is, which is violence.

Keep in mind that leaving a violent relationship can be dangerous, particularly when there is a history of threats or controlling behavior. If you are experiencing intimate partner violence, developing a safety plan and identifying trusted sources of support are important steps toward protecting yourself.

The important question isn’t whether the “tap” hurt but why your partner believed that putting their hands on you was an acceptable response to a disagreement.

And if they insist that it was only a warning, perhaps it’s time to ask the question you may have been avoiding all along: A warning of what, exactly?