All posts tagged: emotions

Resentment: The Most Unsexy of Emotions

Resentment: The Most Unsexy of Emotions

Published by Jenni Sidey

To start, resentment is a complex emotion rooted in anger and typically involves feeling slighted in some way. In my clinical experience, because of a sense of being slighted, mistreated, or wronged, many people direct their resentment toward someone else and focus on that person and the mistreatment. And since I am a sex and couples therapist, in my office, someone else is typically their partner. The resentment-having partner typically copes with that resentment in a variety of ways, from passive-aggressive communication to withdrawal to shutting down emotionally. (Notice I did not say they talk to their partner about it.) None of these are effective long-term strategies, but most people say they do not know another way to manage their resentment. And between the feeling of resentment and those strategies, that person’s interest in and desire for sex with their partner inevitably decreases. Meanwhile, their partner is confused. “Why are we having less or no sex? I initiate sex, I ask for sex, I make overtures, and my partner says no.” I will admit that …

Heritage railway volunteers show how deep friendships can be formed without discussing emotions

Heritage railway volunteers show how deep friendships can be formed without discussing emotions

Published by Sam Flores

“Let’s face it, we’re just not that into emotions,” Brian tells me with a smile talking with other volunteers at a heritage steam railway in northern England. They are discussing a popular TV restoration show. Allan grimaces, parodying the presenter: “He’s always jumping around, shoving the microphone in their faces, like, ‘How do you feel?’ ‘Does this make you sad?’ You can almost see his glee when people actually cry!” This parody of emotional disclosure captures something important about the values of a group of men I’ve spent years working alongside. In public discourse and mental health campaigns, emotional expression is often viewed as essential to mental health. This weighs particularly heavily on discussions of older men. Research routinely links male emotional “repression” to “traditional” and even “toxic” forms of masculinity, connecting an inability to talk about feelings to social isolation and self-alienation. My research suggests that this narrative misses something crucial about how connection actually works. To research this subject, I spent over four years working closely with volunteers at a heritage railway, observing …