“I am afraid if I stop drinking, I won’t be able to fit in anymore” is a common fear many of my clients have when they are considering cutting alcohol out of their lives.

If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. I know that fear well. For a long time, I believed that I needed to fit in to belong, and I’d do anything I could to meet other people’s expectations, whether that meant putting on a bubbly mask, faking interest in topics I had no passion for, or having a drink in my hand when I was trying to drink less.

When we live in a culture where drinking is part of everyday life, choosing to opt out of alcohol is not just a practical decision, but also a social one. It can feel almost like a threat to our sense of belonging and social standing.

The Belief: I Have to Drink to Fit In

It makes sense. Many of us have learned that drinking helps us fit in. Maybe you learned that sipping a club soda at a party where everyone is drinking beer makes you feel like an outsider. Perhaps you’ve discovered that a couple of drinks can make you more bubbly or extraverted. Or you have found that a glass of wine is the trick to faking enthusiasm for a topic you have no interest in.

Drinking is not only a way to participate in the cultural norm, but it can also feel like a shortcut to help us bring out the version of ourselves that is deemed more “socially desirable” by mainstream culture and the people around us. With the cultural and emotional meaning that drinking carries, letting go of alcohol can feel like a loaded decision that carries both emotional and social implications. This often creates what I call the social drinking loop.

The Invisible Social Drinking Loop

A social drinking loop is an unwanted or unhealthy drinking pattern that is driven by our innate human needs for connection and belonging and fueled by the belief that alcohol can help us connect or fit in. Through repetition, drinking becomes one of our default ways to fit in, to be part of the crowd, or to bring out the version of ourselves that we believe we need to be to be accepted and loved.

For most people who have come to question their drinking patterns, alcohol is only what’s on the surface. Beneath, there are often many invisible loops that keep their current drinking patterns alive. A social drinking loop is one of the 10 most common drinking loops that can keep pulling a person back to their old drinking pattern even when they want to cut down or stop.

Like most invisible drinking loops, a social drinking loop starts as an attempt to meet a deep-seated need. However, over time, as the drinking loop deepens, it can gradually move us further away, instead of closer to the things that we need and deeply desire; in this case, real connection and true belonging.

The Difference Between Fitting In and Belonging

In the short run, fitting in can almost feel like belonging. When we fit in, we feel like we are a part of the group. We may feel accepted, welcomed, even liked. However, fitting in is different from belonging.

If belonging is being unconditionally accepted for who we are, then fitting in is being accepted on the condition that we act like everyone else.

Most of us can tell the difference instinctively. For me, it’s the difference between feeling at ease even when I’m quiet and having to put on my bubbly social mask; feeling comfortable ordering a hot tea instead of joining others with a cold beer; or talking about my nerdy science-fiction interests instead of pretending to be interested in fantasy football.

When we belong, we feel that we are welcomed for just being ourselves, and when we fit in, we feel like we have to perform to be accepted. I spent years confusing the two, believing that being liked meant I belonged.

The Near-Enemy Trap

Fitting in is what I call a near enemy of belonging—something that looks and feels like what we deeply desire, but can actually keep us from obtaining the real thing.

The paradox here is that we can’t fit in and belong at the same time, because we can’t try to act like someone else and be our true selves at the same time. When we drink to fit in, whether it’s to drink what others drink, act the way others expect us to, or pretend to enjoy what others enjoy, we cover up our most authentic selves. We might fit in, but we feel like nobody knows the real us.

Authenticity as a Practice

As with most other drinking loops, simply removing alcohol is rarely the answer. To break the social drinking loop, we need to learn how to let go of the illusion of safety that fitting in provides in exchange for the courage to show up as our truer selves.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. When we’ve spent years learning to fit in, showing up as our true selves can often feel like a skill we have not yet learned. That’s why, in my 4-Pillar system, skill expansion is one of the core pillars to build a joyful, fulfilling life beyond alcohol.

Fortunately, like most skills, showing up with more authenticity is something we can learn through practice. And sometimes, that practice can be as simple as learning to say “no” when we mean “no,” instead of automatically saying “yes” to fit in. If you’d like to give it a try, you can start with my 7 personal favorite, ready-to-use scripts for saying no with grace. It works not just for turning down a drink, but for saying no to other things in life, too.