Two British psychologists, Peter Fonagy and Anthony Bateman, began writing about mentalization in the late 1980s. They introduced the term to describe the process of understanding our own behavior and that of others in terms of underlying feelings, desires, and intentions. Clinicians describe it as “holding mind in mind” or “thinking about thinking.” This skill is crucial for understanding other people as well as being helpful in understanding and regulating our own emotions.

Mentalization allows us to reflect on our own behavior and that of those around us and to interpret the meaning of behavior rather than just seeing it as reactionary. This sort of reflection is the core of mentalization. Fonagy states that it is an important skill for use in everyday life as well as in parenting. He says that for the optimal development of children, it is helpful for parents to imagine what their children are thinking and feeling and to keep these feelings in mind in their interactions with their children.

This is different from “gentle parenting,” where parents meet all of their children’s behaviors with an explanation to the child of their feelings. You could say that this technique takes mentalization to an unnecessary extreme.

Often summarized as “having ones mind in mind” or “seeing ourselves from the outside and others from the inside,” this capacity is important for children in building an internal picture of how other people think and feel as well as for helping them with their own internal emotional regulation.

Parents can mentalize their children’s feelings and model mentalization for their children to help them develop this capacity. According to Fonagy, children who can reflect on their own feelings and predict the feelings of others are better able to develop self-confidence and a healthy sense of self.

A lack of mentalization can be captured in a parent who hurries their reluctant child into the car for a pediatrician appointment. The parent says, “Hurry up, we’re going to be late!” The same parent, using mentalization, would realize that their child might be reluctant to go to the doctor’s because their child received a vaccination on the previous visit. The parent is aware that their child might be feeling anxious. They might or might not say this to their child, but their awareness of the child’s emotional state would guide their actions.

So, how can you put mentalization to work? Here are some suggestions:

1. Start practicing mentalization when things are peaceful between you and your child. Spend a couple of minutes just imagining what your child might be thinking and feeling.
2. Move on to conflict situations. If your child refuses to do something you have asked, try to imagine why this might be.
3. Apply whatever consequences you have set up for your child when they do not do what you have asked, but do so while remembering that they had a reason for refusing. And be sure to reflect on what this reason might have been.
4. Practice asking your child if, perhaps, they might have been feeling a certain way when they refused to do what you asked. Talk with them about their feelings when they refused, and about your own feelings when they didn’t do what you asked. Also, talk in general about why people do what they do, what motivates people, and what makes people angry or unhappy.
5. Hardest of all, reflect on your own behaviors, especially as a parent. Try to think about why you have behaved as you have. Is there something your child does that makes you particularly angry? Reflect on why this triggers you. Does it remind you of something from your own past? Are you treating your child as you were treated? Is your child doing something you were never allowed to do? Reflecting on this is the first step toward deciding whether you are parenting in a way that you want to continue to parent.