When you became a grandparent, you probably heard some version of the same question:

“Isn’t it the best?”

“Don’t you just love being a grandparent?”

In my 40 years as a psychologist, I’ve worked with many grandparents, and I’ve noticed something striking: Those questions leave very little room for any answer other than an enthusiastic “Absolutely.” There is rarely any space for feelings that don’t fit the cultural narrative that grandparenting is purely joyful.

As a grandparent myself, I understand why. When my older grandson calls my name or runs into my arms, there is no greater joy. However, for many families, becoming a grandparent can also stir up old family wounds, unresolved tensions with adult children, challenges with the physical demands of caring for young children, and sometimes increased financial burdens on grandparents as they help their adult children.

This paradox of being a grandparent is often not discussed, since the only response people feel they can give when talking about it is positive and full of joy. The joy is real. So are the complexities.

So much writing about being a grandparent stays in the “Isn’t this wonderful?” territory. While celebration is important, it often leaves many grandparents feeling isolated when their experiences include frustration, sadness, exhaustion, disappointment, or uncertainty.

Recently, I worked with a new grandmother who is truly struggling with this new role in her life since it’s reopening so many unresolved wounds with her adult daughter. She adores holding and caring for her granddaughter, yet becoming a grandparent has reignited longstanding tensions with her adult daughter. She feels constantly criticized and second-guessed whenever she helps with childcare.

My patient often talks about how she’s ashamed and embarrassed to share her struggles in her new role as grandmother to her friends. Many of her friends spoke about grandparenthood as though it were entirely wonderful, and she worried there was something wrong with her for finding aspects of the role difficult.

There isn’t.

In fact, her experiences reflect something I frequently see in clinical practice: Healthy grandparenting often requires the ability to hold two seemingly contradictory truths simultaneously.

The Power of “And”

Grandparenting can be a wonderful new and exciting role, watching your child become a parent and welcoming a baby to the family, while at the same time, challenges often occur.

The goal is not to resolve the tension between joy and complication but to build the capacity to hold both without collapsing them into one story. This is the paradox for so many people I know about being grandparents.

For so many families with grandparents, I often think of this stage as “holding two truths.” Healthy grandparenting means tolerating emotional complexity.

For example, many grandparents find themselves living in the space of “and.”

• I adore spending time with my grandchildren…and I miss my independence.
• I’m proud of my adult child…and I wish they’d take my advice.
• I’m grateful to babysit…and I’m exhausted.
• I cherish this role…and sometimes I feel invisible.

Psychologically, this reflects what is often called dialectical thinking: the ability to recognize that two opposing experiences can both be true. It’s not about choosing one feeling over another but, rather, about making room for both.

The Ambivalence Itself Is Normal, Not a Failure

Love and resentment, joy and depletion, connection and need for boundaries can coexist in the same relationship without one canceling the other. Many grandparents (and honestly, many parents) feel they have to pick a side—either “I love this completely” or “I’m struggling”—when, in clinical terms, ambivalence is the more honest response to a complex life transition.

The Hidden Challenges of Grandparenthood

For some grandparents, the challenges are practical as well as emotional.

Some grandparents provide substantial childcare, financial support, or even full-time caregiving. They may be managing their own health concerns, planning for retirement, or having responsibilities to their aging parents.

Other grandparents with whom I have worked struggle to have open access to their grandchildren, as it often depends on maintaining positive relationships with their adult children and partners. Some grandparents may feel that their role is conditional, which leaves them hesitant to express their opinions or to disagree with parenting choices.

Learning to Love While Letting Go

Perhaps the greatest psychological task of grandparenting isn’t learning how to love our grandchildren—we usually do that effortlessly.

It’s learning to love while letting go.

Letting go of being the primary decision-maker—even when you might be providing much of the childcare.

Letting go of always having the answers.

Letting go of the expectation that this chapter of life will look exactly as we had imagined.

Grandparenting often requires a delicate balance: remaining deeply connected while accepting that the next generation is now in charge.

Every Feeling Matters

We often teach young children that having “mixed” feelings is OK. A child can be excited and nervous, happy and sad, confident and scared—all at once. I hope that many grandparents allow themselves to have these mixed feelings too, since being a grandparent, of course, can be joyous but can also stimulate other, sometimes opposing feelings.

I remember reading a book to my almost 3-year-old grandson about how all feelings matter—and hopefully the same can be true for grandparents.

Joy and exhaustion.

Pride and disappointment.

Connection and longing.

These aren’t contradictions—they’re all part of being human.

The healthiest grandparenting may not come from pretending the difficult feelings don’t exist but from making room for all of them.

As I read this book about feelings to my 3-year-old grandson, I’m reminded of a truth that applies to all of us: Every feeling matters—even ours!