Recently, I received an email from someone who read my article The Psychology of Competitiveness and asked, “what practical steps can someone take to shift from feeling competitive with another person to feeling inspired by them instead?” I thought it was a great question. Who hasn’t felt envious competition at some point?

Competition is a normal human behavior. Some of us are wired to be more competitive than others — it’s baked into our personality. An issue arises when competition turns us into someone we don’t recognize, or it creates a grudge that won’t go away. It may also be that instead of encouraging you towards self-improvement, competitive envy is holding you back.

You may become competitive or envious of your coworker who just received a promotion. Or you may see someone’s social media posts and wonder why you can’t have a life like theirs. You may be praised for your artistic skills, but someone has joined your friend group who has won awards for their work.

Sometimes our brain views others as a threat when they might have something we don’t or be better at something than we are.

Notice Your Physical Reactions

What does your body feel like when you are around this person or hear about this person’s success? What feelings come up for you? Is it causing you health issues, like headaches and stomachaches? Ask yourself when these feelings show up. Is it when you are looking at their social media? Is it when you hear a friend telling you about how great this person is? What are the triggers? Try relaxation exercises, such as deep breathing or a walk, to reduce the intensity of your emotions. Being active can also help you process how you are feeling.

Find the Origin

When we have competitive feelings that turn into envy, it says more about us than about them. Are you feeling inferior or like you can’t do anything right? When did you first feel this way? When you were a child, did you have caregivers or other adults in your life who told you that you weren’t good enough? Were you treated as “less than” compared to other family members? Usually, feelings of envy run deep, and you may consider speaking to a mental health professional (MHP). An MHP can help you process feelings that go back to your family of origin and help you make better sense of how you are feeling in the present.

Separate Fact from Speculation

Part of competition and envy is thinking that the other person is having an amazing life. Why can’t we have things that good? The truth is that we never really know what goes on behind closed doors. As the saying goes, every person is fighting a war we know nothing about. When the narrative “Why do they have such a perfect life?” pops up, ask yourself: Is this a fact or a speculation? Just because someone posts on social media doesn’t mean that it’s real. You may be surprised by how much your brain relies on speculation rather than facts.

What Is Your End Goal?

Is this someone with whom you see yourself having a long-term friendship or relationship? If so, it may be beneficial to take a step back and see if competition is getting in the way of you getting to know them better. If your end goal is to be “better” at something than this person, ask yourself what will happen if you do become better. Will it make you happy? Give your life meaning? Or will it be a temporary feeling of winning, followed by more competition?

What Other Factors Are at Play?

You may be competitive with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. They may have set up a competition by comparing you with others, and you always seem to fall short. You may be striving to be the person they say that you are not. It might be that the best course of action for you is to limit your contact with this person. If your interactions with this person leave you feeling confused, anxious, or less than, it may be time to take a step back.

What Can You Learn From This Person?

If you are feeling competitive and envious of someone who seems to have no trouble making friends, ask yourself what you might learn from them. You may be feeling competitive or envious because having more friends is something you really want in your life. What might they be doing to meet people? Maybe they belong to social groups, like a book club, or maybe they volunteer. If you get to know this person better, you might even feel comfortable asking them how they get to know others. If you are feeling competitive envy over someone’s seemingly perfect health, maybe this is an opportunity to see how you could improve your quality of life. Sometimes our competitiveness and envy can get in the way of learning more about others and ourselves.

Reach Out

If the person you are competing with isn’t a friend or family member, consider making a friendly overture. If you already have a healthy level of emotional intimacy with this person, consider being honest and saying, “I admit, I get envious of how clean your house is.” Many times, the person will respond that they actually have been envious of something in your life. Reaching out can help you recognize that others share the same feelings and experiences as you do.

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