It’s the end of summer camp when you’re ten, and you’re parting with your best-ever new friends. Or, you’re saying goodbye to colleagues from your job, promising to stay in touch when you realize you probably never will. Or it’s a more serious, life-changing moment, like a big breakup, a divorce, the loss of a close friend, a grandparent, a parent, or even your best-buddy dog. Life is filled with loss and goodbyes that, like it or not, shape us—not only because of the absence of the other, but also because of how we cope with the inevitable future losses that will come our way.

Saying goodbye is about psychological closure, but there are good and not-so-good ways to do this. Here are a couple of the not-so-good ways:

1. Pretending it didn’t happen

We’ve all met them — folks who simply march ahead as though nothing has happened. They simply think summer camp is over; the breakup was destined and a relief; grandma had a good death; and they’re glad the drama around the divorce is finally over. They engage in a stoic forced march; a pushing to the side of the loss, but also the emotions that come with it.

The psychological danger here is that you’ll sidestep the emotions, but they’ll come back to haunt you later. You’ll “overreact” to another breakup or the loss of your dog because losses are all connected like knots on a rope. Or, the impact may go underground, reshaping your personality and your view of the world: You may begin to avoid getting close to people because you’re always anticipating abandonment, or you may become controlling or passive in close relationships. The effects are real, even if you’re not fully aware of them.

2. Holding onto hope instead of accepting reality

I remember seeing a client many years ago who had been divorced for a long time. She had two sons, and her ex-husband had full custody. For a number of complicated reasons, the boys’ father wouldn’t allow any visitation with my client. She would drive by their house and wave at her sons when she saw them outside, but they ignored her. Despite this lack of contact over the years, she always rented a two-bedroom apartment she struggled to afford, on the belief that the boys would one day magically show up at her front door and she would have a place for them to stay.

We discussed this sad relationship frequently in her therapy sessions, and in my mind, there was little change in her thinking or attitude. But one day, unexpectedly, she came in and said that she had conducted a ceremony over the weekend. She dug a hole and placed her divorce papers, copies of emails she had sent to the boys over the years (which they probably never read), and even appointment cards from our sessions, then burned the lot. She also decided to give up the apartment for a one-bedroom. She felt relieved; she had finally found her own closure; she was finally able to give up false hope.

So, if you don’t want to do the forced march or the denial, how can you say goodbye in a better way? Here are some suggestions:

Have a conversation

This is the ideal for saying goodbye — a face-to-face to conversation. But don’t just use the meeting as a last-hurrah dinner or hospital-bed hand-holding. Use the time to say what you need to say. Talk about appreciation, but don’t be afraid to talk about regrets or hard times if there were any. Doing so is not about complaining or stirring up old wounds, but about helping the other person understand how you felt at certain times and understanding how they felt. The purpose is to help you both move toward resolution, healing, and closure, so nothing is left to haunt you. And if you can’t meet in person, consider a virtual meeting with the same focus and goals.

And if your goodbye is long past due…

Maybe the other person has moved away, and you have no idea how to reach them. Or, perhaps they have died. Even so, take steps to find closure. One option is to create your own ceremony, as my client did, letting your feelings and imagination guide you. Another option is to write letters: Imagine the other person is with you for an hour. What would you want to say and get off your chest? What would you want them to understand? Write it all out in a stream-of-consciousness style. Then write another letter imagining what you’d ideally want them to say in response.

Doing this replaces the face-to-face conversation you never had. A ceremony you design and conduct in person creates closure; writing what you want to hear changes the story, rewires your brain, and helps you reinvent the past.

Without closure, old resentments and regrets can linger like unwelcome guests, become background noise in your everyday life, or reshape your future relationships. The art of saying goodbye is about letting go not only of the person but also of the past, putting the bad to rest, and holding on to the good.