This is the second post in a series.
In my last post, I explored some of the painful mental schemas that can develop due to childhood trauma or neglect. To recap, a schema is a template in your brain for how to respond to something you experience often. We all have schemas for tying our shoes, telling the time and reading sentences in English, like this one. But Dr. Jeffrey Young, founder of schema therapy, discovered a number of “early maladaptive schemas” (often shortened to “schemas”), which are ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving in response to painful experiences, usually in childhood.
Let’s look at three more trauma-related schemas—it might be helpful to journal as you read this post, especially if any of these schemas resonate with you, to make sense of your experience and how it might have led to these painful ways of responding to triggers as an adult.
Emotional Deprivation
This schema forms when you are deprived of emotional support and connection by your caregivers—usually your mother or father, but for some people that may be a grandparent, other family member, or adoptive/foster parents. Dr. Young has identified three forms of deprivation:
- Deprivation of Nurturance
- Deprivation of Empathy
- Deprivation of Guidance and Protection1
If you were deprived of these emotional nutrients as a child, you may now feel empty inside, yearning for the love and support you craved but didn’t receive. It feels like having a big hole in your chest that can never be filled, no matter how much love you get. This schema forms in a family of origin that was cold and unemotional. For example, one or both parents may have had substance-abuse issues and were too emotionally absent to meet your needs for love and affection. You may have had a narcissistic parent, obsessed with your physical attractiveness or academic success because that made them look good. If you excelled, you would have received praise, but any perceived failure would have been met with disappointment and harsh criticism—which means you were not loved for who you were, but how you performed.
Let’s take a closer look at this schema through Mary’s story. Mary is a white woman in her early twenties who has had a lifelong struggle with depression. “Mum only cared about herself,” she told me. “I made her happy if I looked pretty or got straight As. Otherwise, it was like I didn’t exist.” Mary’s mother was highly narcissistic, so saw her daughter less as a child needing her love and care than an extension of herself. If Mary did well, her mother could bask in the glow of her daughter’s success. If she struggled, her mother felt shame, which rapidly turned to a cold fury that would last for days. “That was so awful,” said Mary, eyes brimming with tears. “I would spiral into depression and couldn’t get out of bed. But even when she was happy with me, I still felt numb because I knew it was purely because of a good grade, or if I lost weight. I never felt she really saw me.”
Sadly, Mary’s father was not strong, so couldn’t protect his beloved daughter from her mother’s harsh words. This is often crucial in childhood trauma—not only do we experience scary, hurtful attacks, but we feel alone, vulnerable, and helpless. One of the people who was supposed to protect Mary was the person who hurt her most. And the other person who was supposed to keep her safe failed in this most basic parental duty. Prizing his own well-being over hers, her father left Mary at the mercy of her mother’s narcissistic rage.
As an adult carrying these deep wounds, Mary strives for success in every area of her life. If she gets praise from her boss, she experiences temporary relief, which rapidly fades until she feels empty inside. She describes herself as an “addict” for these moments of relief because the hollow feeling in her chest is unbearable, as is the depression that has haunted her since childhood. Mary’s severe Emotional Deprivation schema makes her life a misery.
Defectiveness/Shame
I call this the “common cold” of schemas, because almost everyone I work with has this one. Full disclosure: this is my core schema, so I am painfully familiar with it. This is the low-self-esteem schema, the not-good-enough schema, the one that makes you feel there is something deeply flawed about you. When triggered, it can evoke intense feelings of shame, hence the second part of its name. The typical origin of this schema is having highly critical parents, who make you feel that nothing you do is good enough. My dad was a bit like this because he had very high standards for me, and I never felt I lived up to them, that he was proud of me or my achievements. I studied Sociology as an undergraduate, a subject in which no student had ever achieved a First at my university. I got a 2:1 and almost got a First, which I was very proud of. When I excitedly told my dad, he just frowned with disappointment and said, “Why didn’t you get a First?” This drained all my pride and joy, leaving me feeling crushed and deflated—sadly, a familiar feeling with my dad.
You may be familiar with this kind of experience. Or you might have struggled at school, perhaps because you were not the most academic kid, instead thriving at sports or art, which were not valued by your parents or teachers. Some of my clients with this schema had ADHD, which made concentrating for long periods incredibly difficult. Being on the autistic spectrum, having dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, or other forms of neurodivergence can also create this schema, as teachers might have called you “lazy” or “dumb”, even though you were just trying to navigate an education system designed for neurotypical kids.
In adulthood, this schema can make you feel worthless, flawed, or unlovable. You may compare yourself to others, always “comparing up”—putting yourself in a lowly position and envying other people’s intelligence, perfect family, or career. Remember that when a schema is triggered, it’s not so much about what you think—although all schemas do involve negative self-beliefs and unhelpful ways of thinking, like worry and rumination. Schemas are more visceral and about how you feel, especially if they are severe. They live deep inside you and, when triggered, make your skin flush with shame, your heart pound with anxiety, or your jaw clench with anger. Schemas can make your life miserable—which is why it’s so important to understand and heal them, as you are doing right now.
Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness
Finally, let’s explore a schema which is often linked to Defectiveness. A common origin for this one is a family with excessively high standards, where the kids are expected to excel in every area of life. If this rings bells for you, your parents might have pushed you, hard, to be the best at everything you did. Sports, schoolwork, your manners—everything had to be perfect, or you would suffer in some way. Straight As were a minimum expectation, anything less being met with disappointment. You may have been compared, unfavourably, to siblings or family friends. “Why can’t you play piano/make conversation/get good grades like your sister?” may have been a familiar refrain.
This schema is often compensatory for Defectiveness or Failure, another common schema. In my highly driven clients, I see them striving to be the best at everything they do, because if they are smart/hard-working/thin enough, no one will realize that, deep down, they feel worthless. The signature feeling of this schema when activated is pressure. It’s like having a hand in the small of your back, always pushing you hard to do better—it’s never enough.
This schema also drains the joy out of life because you’re on a treadmill all the time, working, pushing, striving. When you achieve success, you may feel a few brief moments of satisfaction, before the feeling fades and it’s on to the next goal. This is another schema I know all too well, and for me it was clearly linked to my deep-down feeling of defectiveness. I was long driven by the urgent need for success, that maybe if I earned a Ph.D. or wrote a bestselling book, my dad would, finally, be proud of me. Very sadly, he’s not here now, but that little boy inside me still craved his approval for the longest time, even after he was gone. After a great deal of personal growth, I no longer feel defective or that I need to prove myself. I now trust my dad would be proud of me, which is such a relief. It’s a good example of the way that schemas can be healed—and if I can do it, you can too.
This post has been adapted from my new book, Heal Your Trauma: How to Overcome a Painful Childhood to Become Happy and Whole Again.