Angelina Jolie has talked publicly about her family history of cancer, including preparing her children for the probability of her relatively young death, which has raised questions for parents about addressing their own health concerns.

Is it healthy to discuss your mortality with your child?

If, like Jolie, you’ve been diagnosed with a potentially fatal condition, it’s a very good idea to talk to your child about what’s happening. You don’t want to tell them too much, but you also don’t want to add extra worries by avoiding or trivializing the situation. How and when you raise the topic matters enormously.

What are the risks and benefits?

The most obvious risk of talking to a child about your mortality is increasing their burden of anxiety and guilt as your condition deteriorates. Try to find a balance where you calmly and lovingly tell them enough, but not too much. After your initial conversation, leave the topic alone. Let them know you’re available to answer their questions, but don’t initiate further discussions unless they show a need for reassurance.

The situation itself is dreadfully unsettling, and you may not be able to allay your child’s fears on your own, so be prepared to get help if that’s needed.

For most families, the benefits of honest conversation outweigh the risks. Somewhat counterintuitively, sharing the truth about hard topics—including your possible death and their life afterward—can increase your child’s sense of connection and security. If you’re able to provide honest reassurance about your reluctant acceptance of the situation, including your deep regrets about leaving them sooner than you’d like, you’ll help your child feel valued, included, and supported.

How can you provide reassurance without alarming your child?

Before talking to your child, get whatever help you need—whether it’s talking to a friend, a partner, or a therapist—in order to provide the calm confidence your child will need when you broach the subject with them. If it helps to have someone with you when you talk to your child, ask that person to be there with you.

Respond to your child’s questions and concerns thoughtfully, lovingly, and honestly. For example, “Yes, this cancer diagnosis is a bad one, and yes, my doctor has told me that I might not make it. I’m going to be in a lot of pain, and I won’t have much energy. But I plan to live until I die, and if there’s a way to beat this, I will. For sure, I love you with my whole heart, and that’s for always.”

After telling your child what’s happening, keep to your normal family routines as much as possible. When that’s impossible, tell your child what changes you’re making and why.

Most importantly, perhaps, do your best to focus on the gifts that each day brings. Make sure your child doesn’t feel guilty about happy experiences, accomplishments, plan-making, laughter, or easy time spent with friends.

What can you expect after you talk to your child?

As your child processes the situation, their emotions will be volatile, as will your own. You might experience anger, tantrums, aggression, or blame. Or you might experience helplessness, clinginess, sleep problems, deep sadness, or despair. As much as possible, respond with calm kindness, both to your child and yourself. Emphasize that all these feelings are normal, and look for ways to express them constructively.

Let friends and family know what you need, and what your child needs. Perhaps some people in your life are toxic just now—too many suggestions, too positive, or too negative. Find ways not to see them. But reach out to those who can give you and your kids some help, comfort, or pleasure, and ask for that help.

This is a seriously challenging experience, so be open to getting professional help for yourself or your child if needed.

At what age should you discuss topics like death?

If you’re dealing with a life-threatening situation right now, this is the time to address the topic, no matter your child’s age. How you address it, however, varies enormously across ages and across individual children’s personalities and needs.

With a young child, keep it simple and practical. Let them know you’re sick, and give them whatever information is relevant for the next little while. For example, “You’ve probably noticed I don’t have much energy these days. I have a medical problem the doctors are trying to help me with, and I’m going to be spending a lot of time in bed for the next little while.”

If your child wants more information, respond briefly and honestly. For example, if your child asks, “When will you get better?” you might say, “I don’t know. I hope I’ll get better soon, but the doctors just don’t know.”

Younger children also need reassurance that they’re not responsible for your health problems. Otherwise, they may worry that their disobedience or other “bad” behavior has made you sick.

How much should you tell them?

If your child asks whether you’re going to die, or what will happen if you don’t get better, be open, honest, and brief. You might say something like, “Yes, sometimes people die from this illness.” Go on to reassure your child that they will be taken care of, giving them the broad specifics of that. For example, “I don’t want to die, but if I do, you and (other family members) will continue to live. You’ll be terribly sad, but you will have each other, and Daddy (or whoever) will take very good care of you.”

Your child might want to know other details about their life after your death. Try to identify the child’s underlying concerns and address only those. Don’t provide any unnecessary information they didn’t ask about.

The older your child, and the more emotionally mature they are, the more you can share with them about the situation and your own feelings about it, paying attention to their individual questions and needs.

Thank you, Angelina

I’m glad that Angelina Jolie has shared her approach to discussing her significant cancer risk with her kids. It raises some important questions for other parents dealing with this issue, and provides a catalyst for thinking about the answers.

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