Contrary to what public opinion may lead us to believe, most parents who reach out to me have not lost connection with their adult children due to cruelty or neglect. They has lost it through what I call anxious overinvolvement—the kind of hypervigilant involvement that comes from genuine love, a desire to be helpful, and a hidden fear of losing connection with their grown children.

If your adult child is stuck, overthinking, or second-guessing their life decisions, here are three common parent behaviors that quietly erode respect and make matters worse.

1. You Overthink Their Life More Than They Do

When overthinking drives parents to catastrophize, it usually does not bode well for their adult children. Maddening thought spirals, such as “What if they can’t handle it?” or “What if they never actually launch?” can emotionally weigh down adult children because these thoughts manifest in unintended ways.

Based on my coaching of parents who struggle with their adult children, I hear firsthand how this heightened, anxious overthinking manifests in tone, urgency, and constant concern. Even when communication is limited to text messages, adult children readily detect and are put off by their parents’ overthinking. This is because your adult child does not hear your concerns. Rather, they hear “Pressure.“

2. You Respond to Your Adult Child’s Overthinking With Over-Reassurance

When an adult child mentally spirals about things like relationships, money, work, or even health, it is tempting as a parent to rush in with reassurance and fixes. Sure, if your adult child asks you for reassurance, that can be helpful—in moderation. But you don’t want to provide reassurance when they aren’t looking for it, because they’ll feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Complicating matters, giving reassurance to your adult child may feel good to you, but they often feel misunderstood or talked down to, especially when their nervous systems are heightened. Overthinking adult children don’t need their thoughts examined or even reassured; they need help stepping out of the thought spiral. Rushing in to fix their problems undermines their sense of self-efficacy in managing their own challenges.

3. You Stay Too Involved With Problems That Are Not Yours to Carry

If you live for the next check-in with your adult child, reach the same core issue, or offer solutions your adult child does not ask for, you are likely losing your adult child’s respect without realizing it. When you get excessively involved in your adult child’s life, they may acquiesce or comply on the surface, but underneath, they pull away.

Their respect erodes when it feels like you’re giving unsolicited advice along with hovering, waiting to help them. Remember: You are a parent, not a SWAT team leader deployed on a crisis basis to fix your adult child’s life and deprive them of learning from their mistakes.

A Healthier Pace Forward to Gain Respect

In my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, I present the PACE model. This intervention works for children of any age, including grown children, and for parents as well:

• Pause by taking a break, such as going for a few gentle breaths, going for a quick walk, or using another type of gentle distraction. This pause will help if you are in a worry spiral.
• Acknowledge that you or your adult child is overthinking. When you name it, you tame it.
• Contain your urge to solve your grown child’s entire life in the moment. Remind yourself that uncertainty is part of life.
• Engage in positive, concrete steps forward. For example, reflect (this can be for you or your adult child) on a recent helpful action they took, or do something constructive for themselves (e.g., clear a desktop, clean out a drawer, or call a friend who would value their support).