Last week, I delivered a webinar on how to lift yourself out of loneliness. I get a lot of calls for that topic at this time of year. Sadly, whichever way you cut the demographic mustard—men, women, younger, older, LGBTQ, BAME/BIPOC, neurodivergent, disabled—more and more people report feeling lonely some or most of the time. Sadly, those feelings can be compounded by Christmas, making the festive period difficult for many, for a variety of reasons. The solution lies in being more than a little self-indulgent. It’s a call to be selfish, but with good reason.

Not everyone can make it home for the holidays; sadly, not everyone has a home that they can go to for the holidays. Some can, but have to mask or downplay who they are. Many people around the world see the festive period as an endurance test and can’t wait for it to all be over.

We all know the advice; we all understand the remedies: get out more, reinvigorate old relationships, try to build new ones, join an interest or hobby group, learn to be happy with your own company, and so on. As practical as that all is, the holidays can wipe most of those options off the board. So, what do I mean by being self-indulgent?

Name it

The simplest and most powerful thing you can do is to admit that you are indeed lonely. Say it out loud if you need to. It is neither an elephant in the room nor a shameful thing lurking in the corner. It is simply a statement of fact. In admitting it, you acknowledge it. By acknowledging it, you take the first step toward doing something about it. That includes doing things that please you rather than others.

Challenge limiting beliefs

It’s all too easy (and understandable) to fall into unhelpful mindsets. People can say or think things similar to the following: “I should not be alone at Christmas; it is awful and unbearable that I am. I am a worthless failure because I am.”

Sadly, thoughts like that can only drag you down and compound your negative feelings. Try something like this instead: “I wish I were not alone for Christmas, but I am; I don’t like it, and it is difficult, but it is not the worst thing, and I can stand it. I am not a worthless failure, even though I am alone for the holidays. I am a worthwhile, fallible human being.”

This is a much kinder and more accepting mindset to hold. Especially the last bit. You are alone. You are worthwhile even though you are by yourself. So, what are you going to do for your worthwhile self?

Pamper yourself

Read your favorite books, watch your favorite movies, binge-watch your favorite TV series, and listen to your favorite songs. Run yourself a hot bath filled with bubbles and bath bombs. And for those of you in shower-only homes, there are equivalent products that can do similar things. Take yourself out to a restaurant, to a theater, to a cinema or museum, to whatever is open and interests you. Make the holiday period about you.

Exercise

Look after yourself physically. Whilst others are stuffing their faces, you can take yourself off for long walks; follow an exercise guru on YouTube (there are so many), or do something that engages the body. If you can get out somewhere in nature, all the better. Think parks, forests, beaches, and so on. Even a series of tree-lined streets can help.

Just 20 minutes spent in nature lifts your mood and decreases stress levels. More importantly, it allows you to feel a sense of connection to something else, something awe-inspiring: Mother Nature herself.

Volunteer

This may seem counter to the whole “make it about you” ethos, but hear me out. There are many charities, organizations, and care homes that could do with your help over the festive period. There are other people out there feeling lonely.

And kindness is an amazing thing. It’s also selfish. But in a really good way. When you do something nice for someone, they will feel good. But you will feel even better. Kindness triggers the release of happy hormones; it makes you feel more connected to others and more satisfied with your life. Science says you only have to do one kind thing a week in order to feel good about yourself.

Looking after yourself is really important. Loneliness is more than just feeling alone or even being on your own. It involves intense feelings of isolation, and can include feelings of separation and disconnection (so you can feel lonely in a room full of people). These feelings don’t just affect your mood, mental health, and mindset; they can also affect your physical health (including both cardiovascular and immune systems), increase your stress levels, cause memory problems, and more.

Earlier this year, the World Health Organization (WHO) released a report that not only highlighted how widespread it was, but also noted just how the impacts of our physical and mental health were not being recognized enough.¹

If your loneliness really is impacting your physical and mental health on a daily and ongoing basis, it’s important to consider long-term strategies. This includes therapy. Often, your therapist becomes your first point of connection. Self-care isn’t selfish. It is essential.

In the meantime, remind yourself as often as you can that Christmas really is just one day, that the festive period is just one week, and that you can and you will get through it. You always do.