This is the fifth in a series on how to identify and eliminate abusive behavior.

Step 4: Determining what your triggers are

Abusive behavior often occurs after you have encountered a trigger in your current environment. A trigger is anything your mind perceives to be similar to a past traumatic event, such as a location, tone of voice, topic of conversation, or a scene in a movie. Many triggers are interpersonal; for example, perceived rejection, abandonment, criticism, boundary violations, and yelling or mistreatment are common interpersonal triggers. Other triggers may be non-personal, such as certain sounds, smells, and tastes.

Because it is common to become emotionally abusive (yelling at your partner, blaming your partner, becoming overly critical, or other behaviors) after you have been triggered, you can ascertain exactly what your triggers are.

Exercise: Spot Your Triggers

• Begin by creating a triggers list, noting the situations, environments, and times that typically set you off.
• I have provided a list of the most common triggers that those who have a history of neglect or abuse in childhood have. Read the list carefully and put a check mark next to each item that tends to trigger you.

Common Triggers for Those Who Have Become Abusive

• Feeling abandoned or rejected
• People in authority
• Competition
• Feeling like someone is lying to you
• Someone acting like they are better than you
• Someone who reminds you of your mother
• Someone who reminds you of your father
• Someone who reminds you of an abuser
• Being let down by someone
• Being laughed at
• Being accused of something you did not do
• Being ignored
• Feeling alone
• The sound of someone crying
• Being criticized
• Someone is very angry
• Someone is saying mean or abusive things to you
• Someone yelling at you
• Someone raising their hand or fist near you
• Someone threatening to hurt you
• Mean or dirty looks
• Seeing violence on television, at the movies, or on the internet

Knowing your particular triggers can help you better understand yourself and your reactions. In particular, it can help you understand why you may become emotionally abusive.

Step 5: Admit your abusive behavior to those you have hurt or harmed. While it can be difficult to admit to yourself that you have been abusive, admitting it to your partner or your children may seem impossible. This is especially true for those of you who have difficulty admitting when you are wrong. You may be accustomed to denying your poor behavior, putting up a defensive wall to protect yourself from the criticism of others. And it is especially difficult to recognize how you have hurt or damaged those you love. The shame you feel when you do these things can be overwhelming, and since you likely experienced a great deal of shame when you were growing up, it may seem almost impossible to complete this step. You may repeatedly push away the truth and go back into denial. One thing that may help is to remind yourself that being vulnerable and being honest about the mistakes you’ve made in life will actually help you to heal your shame.

Admitting to your partner that you have been abusive will serve several purposes: First, it will help you continue to come out of denial. Dealing with your abusiveness can be so painful and so shame-inducing that you may be constantly tempted to minimize the damage you’ve caused or talk yourself out of facing up to it. But by admitting it to your partner (or older child), you make it harder to deny it in the future.

You also owe it to your partner (or older child) to admit that you have been abusive. They have been suffering from the effects of your behavior for some time now, and they may or may not realize it is abusive. If they don’t understand that they have been abused, they deserve to know. They need to be able to put a name to what they have been enduring, and they need to be able to stop thinking they are crazy or that they have been imagining it all along. They need to know so they can get some help for the debilitating effects of the abuse. Even if they have known they were being abused, they need you to admit it to confirm their feelings and perceptions. And in many cases, they may need confirmation so they can stop blaming themselves for all the relationship problems and for your abusive behavior.

Finally, you need to admit that you’ve been abusive because you need to take responsibility for your actions. I suggest you do so as directly and in as straightforward a manner as possible. Don’t beat around the bush: don’t try to slip it into a conversation casually. Give this the respect and significance it deserves. Here are some suggestions for making this a meaningful endeavor:

• Tell your partner or older child that you have something important to tell them, or make an appointment to talk when you both won’t be distracted. Face your partner or child and look them directly in the eye.
• Make sure you include all the following:
  1) A clear statement acknowledging that you have been abusive.
  2) Specific examples of your abusive behavior.
  3) Acknowledgement about how your behavior has hurt or damaged the other person.
  4) A statement of regret and remorse for your abusive behavior or attitude.
  5) a promise to work on changing
• Be careful that you don’t make excuses or blame the person you have harmed in any way for your own behavior. Take full responsibility for your actions. You may explain why it is that you feel you became abusive, but stress that it is you and you alone who are responsible for your behavior and for changing your behavior.

This can be the most important step you can take toward your own healing and the healing of your relationships. It is also the most loving, unselfish thing you can do for your partner or older child, and it will be tremendously beneficial for your own recovery.

Steps 6 and 7 will follow in a separate post.