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The One-Word Momentum That Will Instantly Transform Your Marriage

The One-Word Momentum That Will Instantly Transform Your Marriage


Janet Lansbury discusses the concept of Confident Momentum as it applies to positive parenting. She writes:

Confident momentum has nothing to do with speed or rushing. It’s a positive, sometimes heroic kind of energy, an I-can-do-this-thing attitude of helpfulness that stems from the understanding that it’s perfectly normal for young children to stall, resist, and test limits. This is particularly true during transitions of any kind or whenever they’re experiencing uncomfortable emotions or stress, tiredness or overstimulation. It is in those situations that confident momentum is most helpful and respectful.

Confident momentum means coming in (not on) strong, the way athletes do as they wind up for a pitch, or swing a bat, racket or golf club. We’re prepared for the likelihood of resistance and will meet it with positive action. Acting as if helps us find our groove. It gets more comfortable and fluid with practice.

This is why your kids listen to preschool teachers better than they listen at home. The teacher is calm and confident and is moving proactively toward a goal and sweeping up the children along with her. If they resist, she does not blame them or take it personally. Instead, she continues even more enthusiastically (not in some kind of crazy hyperactive way, but calm and centered enthusiasm), and assumes that the kids will go along with her. And when this is assumed, then this is what kids do.

It is very similar to your partner, although most people do not recognize this.

When their partner is having a bad day or feeling insecure about something, most people underestimate how deeply their interactional style in the moment can improve their partner’s mood and the general tone of the day. Men, in particular, tend to feel like they have limited agency over their wives’ moods and vastly underestimate how much they would be able to comfort and cheer up their wives, improve the dynamic, and propel the moment or even the entire day into a happier place.

People who grew up with depressed, angry, or avoidant parents (parents with addiction issues often hit this trifecta) were unable to change their parents’ moods when they were kids, no matter what they tried. Being a good kid didn’t help things, nor did confronting the parent (which would lead to terrible outcomes). This true powerlessness as a child then manifests as assumed powerlessness as an adult. The child actually could not impact the parent. But now, the adult can impact their partner, but assume they cannot because they did not have any success at impacting a loved one earlier in life.



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