Before we commence, let me make you a promise. The whole point of the “I was there!” Oscars report hinges on the manner in which the writer brushed against celebrities. Once brushed, the writer passes that experience along to the reader, so that we might all share in the secondhand glow of Hollywood’s starriest night. So, my promise is this: it’s coming. My meaningful celebrity encounter of the night is coming, OK? Just be patient. Now, I attended the Oscars for one reason: I wanted to see if it was better in person than it is on TV. Because, as a piece of television, the Oscars is generally dreadful. The ceremony is too long and often the films celebrated aren’t the ones people have seen. Plus, the show tends to be hamstrung by its format. If it sticks to the same formula year after year, it is boring. But if it tries to mix things up, it is excruciating. (Remember the year they held it in a train station and made Glenn Close twerk?) In …