Self-confidence. Noun. A feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgement. 

Pre forties I had an embarrassment of it. Then came the violent loss of someone close to me, a shattering life event and a divorce that was not of my choosing. 

The latter made me question everything I thought about myself. The pain of rejection shot to my very core and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anybody or anything. 

The thing is I’m not unusual in suffering a crisis of confidence. In fact, unless you are extremely fortunate, I’m sure you are nodding as you are reading this, thinking of the time that triggered yours. Redundancy, relationship breakdown, infertility, motherhood, loss.

But how do we stop it from paralysing us? Stopping us asking for that job, or going on that date or making leap into new challenges? How do we regain our sense of self worth? And find the contentment that that goes with it?

At a breakfast thrown by HELLO! to celebrate International Women’s Day I had the fortune to sit next to life coach Tiwalola Ogunlesi. She radiated confidence and her every sentence was loaded with empathy and wisdom. After a childhood plagued with low self esteem, she’s on a mission to uplift and empower those around her .(She’s written a book called Confident And Killing It and has a podcast of the same name.)

So here are Tiwa’s 7 practical steps to rebuilding confidence and think positively. 

They work. 

1. Be intentional about making time to self reflect. If you don’t know yourself you can’t grow yourself. Just like going to the gym, it requires input. I think journalling, getting your thoughts down, is so important for this. 
2. Know your worth is intrinsic and no-one can take that away from you. The fact you are here, and you are alive, means you are worthy.
3. Understand your opinion of yourself matters more than other’s opinion of you. 
4. Remember confidence is a practise. Everyday I write down my strengths and think of three things that went well. Positive thoughts help reprogramme and rewire your brain. 
5. Rejection does not mean you are a reject.  Women often internalise rejection and and believe it is because they are not good enough, but rejection is something that happens to you rather than who you are. Maybe the timing or opportunity wasn’t right. If you experience a closed door invest in yourself and try again.
6. Remember the way people treat you is a reflection of their self worth, of their own insecurities or experiences.
7. Let your bounce back be stronger than your set back.  It’s not if you get hit in life, it’s when, and then it’s about how resilient you are.  A negative in your past doesn’t need to define your whole life time. Ask yourself what is the story you want for yourself? It’s empowering to have goals. 

8. © Tiwalola Ogunlesi

DISCOVER: How to be happy: 30 expert-approved tips to become your most optimistic self 

Find Tiwa here:

– Book

– Podcast

– Socials (Instagram, TikTok & YouTube)