Discovering your spouse is cheating is jarring. With your friend? Crushing.

Not only has your partner violated your trust, but the person you call in a pinch, confide in, and socialize with has, too. Because it can throw you for a loop, it’s best to personally and legally get a hold of yourself so you can make smart decisions about your future, especially if divorce is a possibility.

Bill Farias, a Massachusetts family law attorney, says, “The involvement of a mutual friend in an affair will likely complicate a divorce, making it important to understand and deal with the emotions involved so they don’t cloud your judgment.”

Farias cautions that this is even more pressing if you are a parent of minor children. “Exposing children to the circumstances around affairs with mutual friends can be evidence of poor judgment by either parent and may be used to show that the parent’s actions do not prioritize the children’s best interests.”

Unsure how to proceed? Here are some suggestions.

Ask your spouse about their intentions

Upon discovering an affair, you won’t have a complete picture of what happened, when, and where your spouse stands on your marriage. Though you control your own life, knowing what your spouse is thinking is helpful.

• Are they divorcing you?
• Are they moving out?
• Are they intending to marry their affair partner?
• Are they considering seeking custody of the kids?
• Are they interested in regaining your trust?

Farias suggests gathering as much information as possible, including about the transactions related to the cheating. “Infidelity is typically only relevant in divorce if there’s a financial impact on the marriage, and the accusing party must prove the financial impact when asking the court for financial credit in the division of assets.”

Confront the friend

You may never want to talk to your friend again. However, one conversation can, like with your spouse, provide answers.

Lisa Lisser, a certified divorce coach, spiritual counselor, and the CEO and founder of LZL Coaching, says, “People who experience betrayal involving a friend begin to doubt everything they know about trust and friendship. It’s difficult to focus on the future when you’re hurt, angry, and stuck in the past.”

Affair partners can be influential and controlling when they want to be, especially if they believe they may lose the person they want or lose them back to you. Try to figure out whether they will be stepping back now that you know about the affair or playing for keeps.

Consider that your spouse may have given them different “facts” regarding your marital status. Depending on what they say, including whether they’re genuinely remorseful, decide what you want to do about your friendship in the short term.

Set personal boundaries

If you have to see your friend often because they live in your neighborhood, your kids attend the same school, or you work together, you may not be able to cut them out of your life completely. Think about what your relationship will look like in light of the affair and what boundaries you can set to protect yourself and your children, if you have any.

Farias says, “There are technically no legal protections or formal boundaries with respect to a spouse’s interactions with the other spouse’s significant other. However, if you’re contemplating divorce, it’s helpful to avoid situations and interactions that might lead to more strain and conflict with your spouse, as that may unnecessarily complicate your divorce.”

Lisser suggests setting boundaries for yourself when you know you will be in the same space. “Devise an action plan beforehand: ‘If I see this person, I will choose not to engage. I will seek out a supportive friend. I will walk away.’ Remind yourself that you get to choose whether and how you interact with this person.”

Let others support you

Whichever way you foresee your marriage progressing—toward repair or divorce, or if you aren’t sure yet—it’s helpful to reach out to those who can support you emotionally during this challenging time. Emotional support can come from various places: family and friends who have your best interests at heart, clergy, support groups, and a divorce coach, even if you’re unsure whether divorce is your path.

“Hiring a divorce coach doesn’t mean you will get divorced,” Lisser says, “but it does provide you with a trusted partner to ground you in your values and helps you plan the right steps for you and your situation.”

While it can be tempting to turn to a family law attorney for emotional support in addition to their legal guidance, and though this person can be empathetic and offer comfort, you won’t want to rely solely on them for it, as it can slow down your case, costing you more in the long run. Better to build an emotional support system where each member does their part in helping you move your life forward.

Focus on healing

Farias says, “Your attorney should recommend a mental health professional so you can learn how to manage your emotions effectively.” Though talking to someone about your feelings is a solid step, it’s only one aspect of your healing.

To heal from a double betrayal, you must be proactive about caring for your mind and body since both need one another to function optimally. Lisser suggests designing an affirmation practice to remind yourself of your value, integrity, and dignity, while Farias suggests scheduling time off from thinking about anything divorce-related.

Decide how you want to proceed

Given how the choices of others have impacted you, you may feel like you are no longer in control of your life. While that may be true in some respects, you have options, beginning with the people you surround yourself with, how well you engage in self-care, and the decisions you make.

Farias says, “Your cost-benefit analysis should be geared toward helping you focus on the issues that will have actual impact on your divorce as well as your life beyond it.”

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.